| ||
| ||
|
Grief & Loss Information | |
|
|
Grief Support: The Don'ts
1) Don't try to make the grieving person feel better. YOU CANNOT. For many grievers it only serves to make them feel guilty or worse. Grievers MUST experience the pain of grief for healing to ultimately occur. 2) Don't tell the griever to give it time. Time has stopped for the griever. Life proceeds in slow motion. Life is too surreal to be identified with time. 3) Don't try to divert the griever's attention away from their pain by talking about something else. If you do, when you exit their presence, the reality will generally hit all the harder. Also, it may seem to the grieving that you are uncomfortable with them talking to you about their grief. If they sense this, they will alienate themselves from you. 4) Don't be afraid to talk about the person who has died by name. If it makes you uncomfortable, it may want to assess your preparedness for helping. To recover from grief, the griever must have a realistic picture of the dead. 5) Don't be frightened by tears?the griever's or your own. Tears are apertures of release and help the griever express their sorrow in healthy ways with your presence as a cushion of warmth and empathy. 6) Don't be concerned about saying the right things. Let the grieving person talk. Just listen and encourage their talking. Your presence is more meaningful than anything you can say. 7) Don't argue with grieving individuals. Instead, reassure. You may hear statements such as, "I wish I had done this or had been more considerate" and so forth. Reassure them that they did what they could have done at the time not knowing _______ (name of deceased) would die when he/she did. 8) Don't use euphemisms and flowery language. Generally, it only makes the situation seem more artificial and unreal. For example, don't say "passed away" or "expired" when you mean "died." The griever need to hear "dead." 9) Don't be afraid of silence. Silence on the helpers part show that you do not have all the answers and do not feel the need to pretend that you do. Furthermore, it gives grievers time to process thought and express feelings. 10) Don't make general statements of help such as "If you need me, give me a call." Chances that they will call are almost nil. Instead, be specific. For example, tell them about a group support group being conducted in their area; or tell them you will stop by next week to see if there is some housework you can help them with; or ask if you can bring dinner by tomorrow. 11) Don't isolate grievers. Don't cut your conversation or visit short because you are uncomfortable or because you are too busy. (Never look at your watch or the clock in their presence). Be ready with gentle words and a listening ear. Your sincerity and concern is the best proof to the griever that he/she still has resources to draw from. 12) Don't become impatient. Many grievers ramble on and on and repeat themselves in their shock and confusion. Supporting with patience, empathy and compassion reveals your care. 13) Don't be judgmental or rejecting. Grievers are hurting badly. They do not need your judgments and abandonment at this difficult time in their lives. 14) Don't tell grieving people you know how they feel. YOU DON'T. Even though many helpers have also experienced loss due to death, each experience is different and felt differently. Your pain is never someone else's pain. 15) Don't let your own needs determine the experience for the griever. 16) Don't push the bereaved into new relationships before they are ready. They will let you know when they are open to new experiences. 17) Don't impose your value system on the bereaved. Your beliefs or ways of doing things may not be theirs. 18) Don't elaborate on your personal experiences of loss to the bereaved. 19) Don't let the griever forget their children's grief and special needs during this time. 20) Don't be afraid to touch, hold, hug (etc.) the griever. The feelings generated is worth more than a thousand words. Rev. Saundra L. Washington, D.D., is an ordained clergywoman, social worker, and Founder of AMEN Ministries. http://www.clergyservices4u.org She is also the author of two coffee table books: Room Beneath the Snow: Poems that Preach and Negative Disturbances: Homilies that Teach. Her new book, Out of Deep Waters: A Grief Healing Workbook, will be available soon.
MORE RESOURCES:
Google News |
|
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
Cultivate a Friendship with Death Why We Fear Death"Men fear death as children fear to go in the dark." - BaconThere may be a thousand reasons why we fear death, but most of all we fear death because we fear the unknown, and death is an unknown entity to most people. Guilty, Your Honor: The Burden of Guilt After a Suicide Guilty, Your Honor, I whisper.Have you ever done anything so horrible that you would prefer to hide in a dark closet for the rest of your life than have someone find out you did it? Have you ever done something so bad that even remembering what you did causes you to hyperventilate and shake?I have. Then and Now Over one hundred years ago, during the Victorian era, death and grief were popular subjects for poems, songs and stories. Grieving was considered a natural and acceptable part of the culture. Adapting to the Loss of a Loved One: Three Tips on how to Cope Have you ever sat down and played a piano where one of the keys wasn't working? Or made cookies and left out an ingredient? Perhaps you've started listening to a favorite CD, and just when it gets to your favorite part of your favorite song, you realize that there is a scratch in it.In some ways, losing a loved one is similar. Men and Grief Men grieve differently from women. Our cultural roles make it difficult for men to look for support, and harder again to accept it. Learning to Live Again Overcoming death and beginning once again to live is the one thing that we never anticipate can happen after we have experienced death. The truth is however, that whether we like it or not life continues on. Grief I didn't know a heart could die before it stopped beating. I didn't know a life could cease before it stopped breathing. Online Monument - An Ever-lasting Tribute to Your Departed Loved Ones Memories are never to be buried along with the loss of our very loved ones. To be forever remembered as someone whom we always love, they always should be. If Ever It Is Me With my father, his brother and their father having had late onset Alzheimer's I can't help but wonder if someday it will be my fate. This is what I have told my family. Watching Death Like it or not, we think in line with our customs and tradition often times, right down to the level of how we think of death, or about death. I was a licensed counselor for many years, and the issue came up a few times, and I was sad at its results, to hear Americas shamefully trying to avoid talking about it. Is Death Really the End or the Window to A New Beginning? Earlier this month I learned a dear friend had been diagnosed with terminal cancer. She has been given less than six months to live as the cancer has fully permeated her liver and pancreas. One Womans Way of Dealing With Grief All of us at one time or another have felt grief: perhaps over a lost job, lost love, or the most heartbreaking, the death of someone we loved dearly. Each of us goes about the task of grieving in our own distinct way. After Suicide: Returning to Life, Thanks to an Owl Have you ever lost the ability to laugh? I did.When Arlyn died, I knew I would never laugh again. Grief If you have ever lost someone dear to you it is likely that you can still summon up the grief that you may still be carrying deep inside yourself as a result of the loss. If this grief, which is usually felt as a deep saddness, is something that you would like to clear in yourself then you may find some hope here. How to Deal With A Death in the Family and Still Run Your Small Business As a small business owner we have to deal with tax law changes, local ordinances, environmental laws, Worker's Compensation, etc. Just when we thought we had everything under control, something terrible happenes. How My Four Your Old Son Reacted To The Death Of His Great Nanny Biscuits My nan was called Margaret and lived until the age of eighty eight. Unfortunately she died in hospital and this article describes how my son reacted to the news of her death. How to Deal with Suicide and Euthenasia The following is a report that indicates how you might recognize suicidals, and how you might deal with them. But a warning: Suicide can be a very complex issue, and it might be better to have a professional deal with this issue if it comes up, but if this is very difficult to attain, this guide is a very good alternative to follow if you have no other solution to the problem. What this Rabbi Learned from Not being Re-hired It's a familiar story, and I have been through it before, and so have you. In January the Synagogue Personnel Committee told me that they were recommending that the synagogue not renew my contract. Good Grief! If tears are an indication of how special my relationship with my mother was, I cry with pride! I've come to see grief as pain with a purpose. Interestingly enough, as I cared for my mother in my home the last several weeks of her life, much of what I had learned through spiritual teachings about death had gone out the window. GoodBye GrandMa My dearest Grandma, I will never forget you & sorry that I was not there with you when you passed.Grandma.
|
| home | site map |
| © 2006 |
